turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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