Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
