Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
