I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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