Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize