Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize