I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
