...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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