Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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