He is such a slut. More and more my type.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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