I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
