Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
