Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my shit smells like andre
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
