I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
