So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
