That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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