The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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