Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
