it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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