She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
