I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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