I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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