sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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