I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
