I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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