filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
