yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
