did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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