The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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