did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
