of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
