Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
