my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
