sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize