Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
