i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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