A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
