You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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