one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
