why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
