you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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