woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize