i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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