Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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