Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize