I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
