If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
