Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
