U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
