First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
