I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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