Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize