You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
