Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
