so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
