if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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