4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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