3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
