dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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