Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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