I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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