i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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