Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
